What’s in My Pants?

“God, if you help me get past that dining hall door, I’ll stop imagining Cynthia without clothes,” Henry mumbled.

He wasn’t sure it was a feat he could manage, but his determination was strong. Surely, he could stay off imagining her directing her pretty smile his way, or suddenly noticing him, even though he was a year her junior. Yeah, she would finally notice him, smile at him and ask him to—

No! God disapproved of such thoughts. At least that’s what the Chaplain frequently drilled into their heads during compulsory worship services. His school was very religious and strict to the point of keeping the boys separate from the girls. The only time they had an opportunity to relate with them was in the classroom. And sometimes, when the boys came to the dining hall, they could catch a glimpse of the girls as they left their hostels.

Back to his prayer and vow to stop with the vivid fantasies. No more fantasy equals slipping into the dining hall without a cutlery set undetected. Henry wanted—no, needed to eat. Personal provisions were not allowed, and he was an ordinary JSS 2 boy too chicken to sneak in contraband rations.

Heart thumping heavily in his chest, Henry quickened his steps to the dining hall’s double doors. A drop of cold sweat rolled down his temple as he subconsciously pulled the waist of his oversized trousers higher. The only snug thing about the trousers was the waistband; the rest was loose, like two misshapen sacs sewn together. His mum said he would grow into them. Henry doubted it.

Dragging in a breath, he continued marching forward.

Six more steps. Four. If he stretched his hand, he would be able to push the door—

“Hey!”

Henry froze mid-step and shut his eyes tight. God, please. Let it be that the prefect is speaking to someone else. We had a deal. No fantasies for a meal. Please!

“Junior boy with the bongo trouser.”

Ah. Henry turned around and sheepishly pointed at his chest. “M-me?”

“No, your father.” The prefect regarded him with a mocking scowl. “Show me your cutlery, jare!”

I am dead. Finished.

Henry slouched and trudged to the prefect. Senior Niyi was fearfully made. Sometimes, he wondered if God was inspired by an ugly rock when creating him. The senior had a short, muscular build and perpetually wore a frown. No one crossed him, not even his mates.

Gulping his heart down his chest, Henry discarded the notion of begging. Senior Niyi was pitiless. Begging only increased his rage.

“Fool! You think sey you fit escape. You wan enter dining chop with hand like chimpanzee. Go join your family members for there.” He pointed at two boys kneeling on the grass next to him.

Henry tried again. Maybe God will touch his heart. “But, senior, someone stole my—”

“Sharrap!”

A sharp slap at the back of his head caused him to stumble forward. He quickly righted his steps, saving himself from a humiliating fall. One of the boys was a class below his, and the other was Emeka, one of his roommates. He sank to his knees next to him.

“Guy, you sef dey here?”

Henry gritted his teeth and looked away, refusing to react to Emeka’s stupid jab. Thankfully, he stopped talking when he saw he wasn’t in the mood.

Minutes passed. Soon, the delightful aroma of jollof rice wafted around him, teasing his senses and causing his stomach to rumble. Tears stung his eyes. It was hopeless. Senior Niyi was notorious for preventing those without cutlery from eating. He’d make them kneel throughout the mealtime and only permit them to leave when the dining hall was emptied.

Since God didn’t take his deal, he might as well return to imagining Cynthia—

A light bump at Henry’s left ankle caused him to shift. When it happened again, he frowned and glanced at his leg. Nothing seemed amiss. He flinched when he felt it. Something had brushed against his shin and was trying to make its way up his leg.

Springing to his feet, he stumped in a desperate attempt to dislodge whatever it was. There was an odd heaviness in his trousers, like something was—he froze when he felt the scrape and wriggle of the thing as it moved higher. Whatever it was had somehow found its way to the back of his knee.

“Ah!” The sound escaped like a strangled shriek.

“Wetin?” Emeka half-rose from his kneeling position, eyes bright with panic.

“Something’s in my trousers!” Henry pressed his knees together in a desperate attempt to stop the creature from crawling higher. When it wiggled against his skin, he shrieked for real and jumped, hoping to get the prefect’s attention.

“Senior Niyi!” Henry called out. “Senior, something is in my trousers!”

The prefect turned in his direction and strolled over. “What’s it?”

Henry was about to answer when he felt it again. The thing’s claws were scraping across the skin of his inner thigh. Revulsion, horror and panic mixed as Henry came to a realisation. It was a lizard. The reptiles were everywhere in school, especially on the walls of the dining hall. But why him? Why was it struggling so hard to climb up his leg? What was its aim?

Henry whimpered when his active imagination began painting the craziest possibility. Was it… was it going to attach itself to a precious part of his anatomy?  A cold shiver racked his body at the horrifying thought.

No, please. God, please. No.

“There’s a lizard…” He couldn’t complete his statement. He had managed to grab on to the animal’s…tail? It twisted about, fiercely determined to break from his hold.

“Help me!” Henry didn’t care that the prefect was laughing at the situation; all he wanted was freedom.

“Oya, remove your trousers.”

At the prefect’s suggestion, Henry wanted to laugh and cry all at once. He would have to momentarily let go of the squirming creature to achieve that… or did he need both hands to take off the belt? He couldn’t even think straight!

“What are you waiting for? Abi you want make the thing chop your blokus?” Senior Niyi asked with a spark of dark enjoyment in his eyes.

Henry acted fast, shaky fingers and all. He yanked his buckle and dragged the belt through the loops of his trousers in a mad rush. He was sweating profusely now, with his heart doing a double in his chest. In his struggle to unzip his trousers, he subconsciously released the lizard. He only realised his mistake too late. The creature, finally free, went ballistic in the confined space. It clawed about, racing up his leg and heading for his groin like a heat-seeking missile.

“Ah! Oh God. Jesus!” Henry stumped about, madly tugging at his zipper as he strained for freedom. The thing wouldn’t budge. His hands flew to his crotch when the lizard ran across it. For a brief, horrified moment, Henry believed his soul had left his body.

It’s going to eat my dick. My blokus is gone. I’m dead!

Emeka saved him. He tugged his trousers down in one pull, exposing his briefs and legs to all who cared to see. Henry didn’t mind one bit; he was free. Rivers of bone-melting relief washed over him. And as he watched, a fat, black lizard lazily crawled free, appearing satisfied with itself. Henry stumbled away and fell on his rear.

With his trousers bunched around his ankles, Henry could only sigh in relief. The fact that he was in such an undignified position close to the girls’ hostel meant nothing. The lizard was gone. His blokus was intact. That was all that mattered.

Finally rising to his feet, Henry bent to pull his trousers up his scrawny legs. That was when he saw her. Cynthia, in all her dreamy beauty, was walking with two girls and… and he was in her direct line of sight.

Henry pleaded again, begging God to save him from his impending embarrassment. But God turned his face away. Cynthia and her companions chose that exact moment to look in his direction. They gawked. A beat of silence. Then they broke into a fit of giggles.

Perhaps their reaction wouldn’t have stung as badly if Cynthia’s laughter hadn’t been the loudest.